Tuesday, June 14, 2005

From the Frontline...

I don't understand men.

So after my incident with the work boy, we have become pretty close. Or so I thought.

Two weeks ago he was inviting me to parties (where I met his sister and cousin), sharing his relationship woes with me and we were talking even more than usual at work. Last week my car broke down in DC (where he lives) one night and I called him to see if he could help (he happened to be too drunk at a bar and couldn't), and though he never came through to rescue me, he did call to make sure I ended up OK and we ended up talking on the phone for about an hour into the wee hours of morning. All very lovely, right? It seemed that even though he may not be interested in me in a romantic way, we were certainly on our way to a fabulous friendship.

Now? Are we even friends? We have barely spoken at all the past few days. There have been a few IMs here and there at work, and last night I sent a text message which didn't get a reply (I always do otherwise)...we didn't speak all weekend and where there is usually a casual "what are you doing, we should meet up" (even if we don't mean it) - all I got was a "later" goodbye on Friday and nothing since.

He goes from being all chummy and friendly to barely saying hello.


Did I do something wrong? How come once I take two steps forward he takes two steps back? Did he think I was getting too close and decide he didn't want to let me?

This utter cluelessness (apparently on my part and maybe even on his) goes for both straight relationships and gay ones, it is not the typical "dumb heterosexual male" that I am complaning about here.

For example, my friend Brent (not his real name) has this to say about a relationship with a male friend of his, that has been going on for about 9 months. The two are very good friends, and Brent likes this other guy, but is pretty sure the other guy either does not like him like that, or doesn't know. Here is the story straight from his mouth:

Brent: for instance, last week we spent the entire night together - watching TV, then going out for a random drive around town
Brent: we ended up watching a movie at my place
Brent: this was at the end of a week where we had been spending a lot of time together
Brent: we were just getting closer and closer - and I think he was starting to notice a changing dynamic between us
Brent: I've called him several times since last Wednesday and we've caught each other on IM since, but he has been very distant
Brent: and that night when I dropped him off he was being very weird and moody
Brent: I think he really was starting to feel something and that bothered him

There...it happens to the best of us, straight or gay.

Is it just us - are we telling ourselves that things have changed with the object of our affections? Or possibly, is it OUR fault, are WE the ones that are being different and pushing them away subconciously? Are we that infatuated with the idea of this other person, that we won't allow ourselves to actually let something happen?

Maybe it's not them at all. Or maybe we just tell ourselves it's them to make us feel better, that yes, they do like us but they don't want to or there is some other issue as to why it's not happening. I mean, obviously we are wonderful people and they do enjoy our company. Maybe they (gasp!) don't even know we like them. So, what gives?

Maybe I'm just crazy.


At 11:42 AM, Blogger roosh said...

you haven't accepted the friendship status with him so you're holding him up to a relationship standard. if you were friends you wouldnt be trying to talk to him everyday. my good lady friends... i hang out with them once a week AT THE MOST, though usually much less.

why dont you let it take a more natural course instead of pushing it too hard.

At 12:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

totally agree with dcb... you are trying way to hard. You almost seem desperate.

At 12:52 PM, Anonymous Underused said...

"sharing his relationship woes"

Whoah, there. Is he in a relationship now? If so, there's your answer as to why he is backing away. Either way, I agree with DCB. Sounds like you might be coming on too strong, or at the very least, you're too available. Back off, let it flow.

At 1:05 PM, Blogger Asian Mistress said...

Thanks for the comments guys - you are all right - this I know. I'm just being an overanalytical stupid girl about it. Lots of girls can be, you just don't know about it - until we blog our thoughts haha.

I especially agree with DCB - that as much as I tell myself I'm cool with just being friends...I of course want more (which he may or may not know or care).

Underused: as for his relationship woes - it was more just whatever he was saying while drunk about other girls. No, I don't think he is actually in a relationship now.

But I guess I can quote the book...he's just not that into you if he's not asking you out, if he's sleeping with somebody else, or if he's disappeared.

Oh, reality sucks.

At 1:11 PM, Blogger A Unique Alias said...

In terms of strategy, taking three steps back would be the most appropriate response to his two steps back. You don't really need to understand why he's becoming distant, and in trying to, you'd further that distance. Ease back a pace and let him do the introspection. He'll take one step forward.

At 1:15 PM, Blogger Asian Mistress said...

Thanks, good advice a unique alias. :)


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