The Butterfly Network
Monday, November 28, 2005
Pay It Forward ... Sara's Version
Last week, I was talking to a friend about guys. And how, while there are so many nice ones out there, there are also a TON of assholes. You all have known one of the types... Cocky, selfish, lying, sometimes cheating, pansy-ass, spineless guys who either are jerks upfront or are of the sneakier, slimier variety - the ones who start of being super nice and considerate without even a hint of who they really are deep down. In my opinion - so obviously it's correct ;-) - those guys are the worst kind of assholes. At least with the ones who are jerks upfront, you know what you're getting yourself into - and it's kind of your own fault if you fall for them and end up getting burned. But the deceiving ones - the ones who make you think at first that they're the type that you'd like your family to meet - they can really blindside you. Knock your feet out from under you and make you wonder for weeks what the heck really happened.
So my friend and I were discussing the awful ways in which these guys treat girls. And started wondering who the hell they think they are - these guys - and why the hell they seem to think that they can get away with treating women the way that they do. They act like these slimey bastards - whether cheating, lying, falling off the face of the earth, or whatever else they may do - and then, to top it off, they always come slithering back and are surprised if they're not taken. And we realized that, by this age, when guys act like that and think it's ok - it's most likely because women in the past have let the guys treat them that way.
And then I realized that because the guys have been led to believe that it's ok - they'll always treat women that way. UNLESS maybe we start a sort of "Dating Pay It Forward"... When you're dating a jerk - leave him. Don't take him back. And, maybe, it will be a sign to him that it's not ok to treat people that way. And, maybe, he'll think twice in the future about treating someone else that way. And I'm sure it's hard to think about him with someone else - nobody likes to do that - but perhaps someone else will have done the same thing to your next man to help turn him into someone who will treat you with the respect that you deserve. See what I'm saying? So pay it forward with the assholes - don't let them think it's ok to treat you or anyone else with less than what you deserve.
OK, fine - perhaps you think it's a silly concept. It probably is. But if you want to really how I feel - whether you think of it as "paying it forward" or not - you should leave anyone who doesn't treat you nicely. Sometimes it's hard because of feelings that may exist - but don't you want to look back on your life and remember that you had respect for yourself?
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Sara Facts 101Welcome to today's online class about... me!
To follow suit with Asian Mistress, I (finally) have a little bit of free time today so I'm going to give a list of things about me a whirl!
- I can't stand when two different textured things rub against each other - ie a marker across a pillow case... Stuff like that is equivalent to people scratching their nails down chalkboards.
- I was a gymnast for about 10 years. I placed first on floor, vault, bars and all-around in Level 6 States. I competed nationally at Elite Level. When I quit, I was in an Olympic training group.
- I can no longer remember the fancy names of the gymnastic moves that I used to perform.
- I am obsessed with Sudoku.
- My favorite color depends on my mood.
- I don't like facial hair on guys.
- I had a friend that smelled REALLY bad, and I never knew how to tell her. I still don't know if I could tell her today.
- I hate being a part of drama - but at the same time, I love to know what's going on when there is drama.
- I'm really good at keeping secrets.
- One of the most frustrating things in the world to me is when a boy says he'll call you and then doesn't.
- I have no self-control when it comes to spending money and eating.
- I hate flossing.
- I LOVE kittens.
- I had a girl's version of 6-pack abs my sophomore year of college. I'm terrified that I'll never have those abs again. (please refer to #11)
- I just, right this second, received an email that my business cards came in - and I'm way more excited than I should be...
- I try my hardest to be neat, but in reality I'm messy. However, when things aren't put in proper places, I get frustrated.
- I hate clutter, but can't seem to get rid of it.
- Other than the regular seasonal flare-ups, I'm not allergic to anything. (that I know of)
- I'm a fourth generation smoker and cancer runs in my family. It's time to quit, but I always quit quitting.
- A big fear of mine is being made to seem insignificant.
- I just took a half an hour break from this to work on a moderately difficult Sudoku puzzle. I didn't finish it.
- When I was younger, I was obsessed with my handwriting. I hated it. I tried to change it almost every week, because I wanted to write in a way that was pretty to look at. I just recently have come to terms with the fact that I will always have sloppy handwriting.
- I don't own diamond earrings. I really want a pair, but know that I'll never end up buying them.
- I work in an office, not a cubicle - and I love that.
- 24, Lost and Grey's Anatomy are my absolute favorite shows. Following slightly behind are the OC, Reunion, Surface, Rome, Desperate Housewives and Family Guy.
- I am obsessed with Ryan Reynolds. If he walked into my office/house/wherever and said he wanted me... Well, he could have me. In any way he wanted.
- Except for right now, because I'm kind of into someone else...
- I hate Alanis Morissette. (Due to #26)
- Someday I think I'll get into writing romance novels. I know I'd be good at it.
- Dying scares me because my relationship with God is not where I want it to be yet.
- There isn't much that turns me on more than a boy who is really considerate.
- Well, maybe humor comes in at a close second.
- And that's after all the physical things of course.
- I always have songs stuck in my head. And most of the time they're completely random.
- A major reason behind why I really love my new job, is the fact that I have made a lot of new friends. And I'm not just talking work buddies, I mean actual friends. It's great. I only had one real friend at my old job.
- I'm only at number 36 and I'm running out of interesting things to say about myself. Man am I a bore or what?
- If I feel rushed, I get pissed.
- So I'm generally early everywhere.
- I'm easily turned off by guys. Especially cowards. But just as easily by conceitedness.
- I hate how girls feel the need to act snobby in public if other girls are around.
- I can't stand seeing animals hurt. I almost walked out of the Butterfly Effect.
- I'm a youth group leader for my church. I love the hell outta my kids and am terrified that they don't like me or that I won't get my messages through to them.
- Sometimes I know that my messages don't get through to them.
- Bugs, (including ants, but excluding lady bugs and butterflies), terrify me. To the point of ridiculousness.
- Sometimes I feel ill because I think about the statistics of how many spiders and cockroaches a person eats in their sleep a year.
- I just googled #45 and found out it's a myth. I'm realllllly happy about it :-)
- My good friend Dave took me sky-diving for my 21st birthday. It's about the most exhilarating experience I've ever had. I would highly recommend it.
- I have a very bad habit of living from paycheck to paycheck. It's really, really hard for me to save money.
- My past couple relationships have caused me to stop believing in "fairy-tale" romances. I'm more depressed about this than I was when I found out that Santa Claus didn't exist.
- When my hands are dry, I get irritated.
- I've only cheated on one boy, and that was my junior year in high school. I kissed someone else.
- I love sauces. Barbecue, honey mustard, take your pick.
- I always ask for extra cheese on everything.
- Flying frightens me. Because of 9/11, I'm always afraid something will happen. But terrorism aside, I'm also talking about plane/pilot malfunctions. When I'm in a plane and we hit turbulence, I freak out.
- My family jokingly calls me Saint Sara the Little Princess. Sara means little princess, and I can't really remember where the Saint part comes from.
- My favorite book to be read when I was little was Good Night Moon.
- Hands down, I truly believe that if someone opened a Bojangles in Northern Virginia, or DC, they would make an absolute killing.
- If you don't know what Bojangles is, you are sorely missing out.
- I think that guys who talk about wanting to fight someone when they get drunk (or, even worse, when they're sober) are the biggest losers around.
- Fast food is my guilty pleasure. I love cheeseburgers. McDonald's, Wendy's and Burger King in particular. Sometimes I eat so much from them, I feel sick. Sometimes, I'd rather eat a fast food burger than eat a nice steak. I don't think I've ever told anyone about this particular fetish. I'm going to give it up cold turkey SOON.
- I'm about to try doing a total cleansing detox pill cycle for the first time.
- I hate being pale. I tan whenever I can. (But not to the point where I'm orange)
- I have sex dreams a lot. It's a nice quirk to have ;-)
- I love rainbows and shooting stars. And I don't care if that's silly.
- I've never traveled outside of the United States
- Love Story and Meet Joe Black are some of my favorite movies and I sob all the way through them.
- I can't watch romance movies when I'm not in a relationship.
- I have a tattoo of a crescent moon with a vine around it and a star on my back. It means serenity. But people always think it's a dolphin. It pisses me off.
- I don't watch porn, but I have nothing against it...
- I think it's funny that I just wrote about porn on number 69 without meaning to. (Insert teenage-ish giggling here)
- I'm not 100% sure where I stand politically. I tend to lean in one direction but I really need to educate myself.
- I developed stagefright my junior year of college when I completely forgot a dance at a halftime performance when I was smack dab in front. I looked like an idiot. And I lost my love for performing after that.
- I used to want chocolate alllll the time when I was little. Now I can take or leave it.
- I've never used an excuse of a headache to not have sex.
- Numbers. I have a weird relationship with them. For example: If I look at a (digital) clock I have to make all of the numbers equal 1 to 10 before it changes to the next minute. So, if it's 12:45 my thought process goes like this: 1=1;2=2;1+2=3; 4=4; 5=5; 5+1=6; 5+2=7; 4x2=8; 4+5=9; 5x2=10... I'm a weirdo... I know this.
- I can not pee if anyone can hear me. (Unless I'm really good friends with them, or I'm drunk at a bar.) Especially boyfriends. Again, I know I'm super weird.
- The Walmart in North Carolina where I went to school sells pepperjack cheese cubes. I could eat bag after bag. I don't like any other type of cubed pepperjack cheese. And I can't find it anywhere else.
- I have a tendency to go for guys who aren't good for me. Most of the time they're jerks. I don't do this because I fit into the "girls who are attracted to assholes" category. I do it because deep down I'm not ready for anything to get too far; I'm scared of real relationships.
- I don't really know what to say here.
- I'm on a conference call right now.
- My biggest pet peeve is when you're standing with a group of people, but one of them unthinkingly turns in, with their back towards you, so that you're excluded from the group.
- When I'm out and realize that I want to leave, it's almost impossible to get me to change my mind. My "fun-meter" shuts off and I just concentrate on wanting to leave. I've tried to change this, but have been unsuccessful thus far.
- I have REALLY curly hair.
- I've always wanted to be a dog person. But I'm afraid that my ex-boyfriend's dog turned me off of big dogs forever.
- I will never stop loving cats, though.
- I'm excited about this list because I want to look back at it in 5 years and revisit the way things used to be... Like a time capsule!
- Sometimes I go to 7-11 and buy a hotdog bun (but no dog) and drench it in nacho cheese. It's maybe one of my favorite meals. But I really only do it when I'm drunk.
- I don't know how to cook. The only thing that keeps me from trying to learn is the thought of cleaning up the kitchen afterwards.
- I never skip ahead in magazines. I read front to back, the entire way through.
- Mystic River is one of my favorite movies. So is Million Dollar Baby.
- Obviously, I think that Clint Eastwood is a brilliant director.
- I had a flour fight with my best friend when I was little (we got flour EVERYWHERE). I've always thought it'd be cute/fun to have a fight like that, or paint or water or whatever, with a boyfriend.
- I don't like corn on the cob. But I do like corn off of the cob, and creamed corn.
- I have a book, somewhat of a picture journal, that I tape concert/plane tickets, clothing labels, purse labels, interesting facts, etc. So that I can look back and have an idea of what I used to be like. (Kind of like this list)
- I want to live as long as possible.
- How somebody can speak into the end of one cell phone, and another person thousands of miles away can hear them and speak back absolutely astounds me. (Same with wireless internet and other things of that nature)
- I have awful credit because I messed up big time in college and am still bad with money. But I am slowly, but surely, working on it.
- I don't like non-flavored potatochips.
- When I was little, I truly believed with my whole heart that my stuffed animals came to life when I wasn't around. I used to try to creep up to my room and throw my door open to catch them. It never worked.
- The impression that I get from most people is that they think I'm really nice. For the most part, it's true - but I can be a HUGE bitch when necessary.
- I have thrown a complete drink in an asshole's face before. And I loved it.
Thanks for reading! :-)
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Yesterday, I got to thinking about exes.... In the dating game, you meet someone, you think they're great and you date them. And then, when it's over, you ex them out. It's just the way life goes.
Some people, present company included, make an effort to be friends with exes. And it can certainly be accomplished. But it's always hanging there, no matter how great of friends you end up being... They are always, above everything else, your ex. That fact never goes away. It can be a touchy subject and maybe it's never spoken of. You might laugh about it with them, or perhaps you cry about it when nobody's around. But it's always up in the air in one way or another.
This lead me to thinking about the different ways that exes act. And how there are so many different types of exes. For instance, there's always:
1. Mr. Heartbreaker Ex - The most
important influential ex. The one who seriously broke your heart and you can lie to yourself all that you want, but you will most likely never truly be over him. You can't help but compare other boyfriends to him, and most of the time they fall short... even if Mr. Heartbreaker was a real ass. He's the one who you swear you'd never give the time of day to again, but realistically, if he wanted you back you'd be there in a heartbeat.
2. Mr. Heartbroken Ex - The ex for whom you'll forever be Ms. Heartbreaker Ex. You might have had an amazing relationship, but you realized before he did that it was fizzling and broke it off. He was devastated and, whether or not you're able to be friends again, a part of him will always want you back.
3. Mr. Ex Squared (or Cubed, etc) Ex - This is the ex that you date and break up with. And then date again and break up again. And so on and so forth. You never quite learn your lesson that it's just not going to work out.
4. Mr. Wishful Thinking Ex - This is the guy whom you never dated but tells people he's your ex anyway. You may have hooked up once or twice, or maybe you never did, but you certainly did not have a relationship. However, in his head, he's built up a beautiful story about the two of you and the time you spent together which is topped off by your tragic ending. This, depending on the guy, can sometimes be embarrassing for you. Especially if he's definitely not anyone that you would ever really date.
5. Mr. Perfect Ex - You let this ex slip away. And you wish that you hadn't. He was perfect and you left him and regret it to this day because you know you could have been very happy together. Hindsight is a bitch.
6. Mr. Hanger-on Ex - This ex doesn't quite get the point that you're over. He calls and wants to hang out under the guise of friendship, but has very obvious ulterior motives to get back together. Sometimes he can hide these ulterior motives, but most of the time he can't and is quite annoying. It is a constant reminder of why you ended things in the first place. He sometimes borderlines on being Mr. Psycho Ex. And he probably does petty things to try to make you jealous.
7. Mr. Keep-Around Ex - This is the ex with whom you were not relationship compatible with but you were more than suitable with in other areas... aka the bedroom. You may be friends, you may not be. But your numbers stay in each other's phones because you certainly know who to call when you're drunk or just lonely... This can be tricky because of left over feelings making you think that if you're good in bed you should try the relationship part out again - but if you keep the facts straight in your mind, you should be fine.
8. Mr. Future Son-in-Law Ex - This ex you were ready to break up with for a while but your parents just loved him so much that you stayed in the relationship a little bit longer because maybe they saw something in him that you didn't. (This reverses into Mr. Future Parent-in-Laws: the ex that you stuck with a little longer than you should have because you just loved his family so much.)
9. Mr. Wants You Because He Can't Have You Ex - This title pretty much explains itself. And it certainly reverses itself to go both ways...
10. Mr. Mona Lisa Ex - The ex who seemed so amazing from afar, before you were dating, but up close, as you got into a relationship with him, you realized he was all fluff and not actually that nice. Careful here though because when you break up you tend to see him from afar again and doubt your (correct) decision to hightail it out of that relationship.
11. Mr. Future Ex - You haven't dated him yet. But you're going to. Even though you know he's wrong for you and it will never work out... But he's just so cute/fun/etc... You can't help yourself.
12. Mr. Waste of an Ex - The ex that you wish you'd never dated. You got nothing from the relationship except a bitter taste in your mouth knowing that he somehow got the best of your time, which was certainly wasted. This is the guy that, if you could go back in time, you would take back ever dating him.
I wrote these from a female perspective but I'm pretty sure all of my examples would fit just as well from a male perspective.
And a lot of the aforementioned exes are easily combined. For example Mr. Ex Squared Ex could easily be the same as Mr. Keep-Around Ex whom could easily also be Mr. Mona Lisa Ex, etc...
I could go on and on... Anyone else want to add their $.02?
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Bad weeks all around I guess...Well, I know I'm not alone... But this week (starting last week) has SUCKED for me. Remember how I had started dating someone? Everything was good. Better than anything else recently. Between visits and calls and feelings. I've been happy.
Well, I guess all good things come to an end. Here's the scenario:
Saturday 10/22: He calls me. Says he wants me to come next weekend. He asked off of work and will call me on Sunday morning to let me know if he got the days off so I can go visit him.
Sunday 10/23: He doesn't call in the morning. He doesn't call at all.
Monday 10/24: He still doesn't call me about the upcoming weekend. So I call him and leave a message. He calls me back that night, with the bad news that he couldn't get off of work. I'm bummed, and he is too, but we agree we'll see each other in November a lot because he'll be home for 10 days. We have a good conversation. I bring up the fact that he has a tendency not to call when he says he's going to. He apologizes profusely and says not to take it personally, he's just really bad at doing it. He swears it won't happen again. We hang up on a really good note.
Tuesday 10/25 around 3:30 pm: He calls (I'm surprised because he wasn't supposed to). He's excited because he figured out a way for me to still come visit him around his work schedule. I say I'll probably still come. He says PLEASE DO because he really wants to see me. He misses me. Stuff along those lines. I think it's sweet and decide to cancel the plans I'd made for the weekend earlier in the day. He's excited and says he'll call me that night when he gets off of work, around 10:30, to work out the details.
Tuesday 10/25, 10:30: I've packed my bags because I know the rest of the week will be too busy to get it done. I also have gone out and bought bags of candy & pumpkins to stuff it in for him and his roommate. But he does not call. I get kind of pissed.
Wednesday 10/26: He does not call. I'm really pissed and a little bit worried about him.
Thursday 10/27: He does not call. I'm really pissed and also worried.
Friday 10/28: I'm supposed to drive to visit today. He does not call. I call him that afternoon and leave a message saying (practically verbatim): "Hi, it's me. I just wanted to make sure that you're ok, not hurt or sick or in a hospital somewhere. If that's the case, I hope you're ok and please let me know if I can do anything at all! But, if that's not the case, I just wanted to say that I don't think you should call me again. I mean, you're doing a stellar job of it already, but I just wanted to solidify that fact." It wasn't a bitchy message. More concerned at first and hurt toward the end. I was about to cry. He does not call back.
Saturday 10/29: He does not call.
Sunday 10/30: He does not call.
Monday 10/31: Hedoes not call, but he is online. His profile says this (and I quote, word for word): Cell phone was dead all weekend due to issues with my P.O.S. ancient Nextel Phone... Sorry to those who couldn't reach me and thanks to those few who left hateful messages... mature... Phone is back and working now if you need to get a hold of me...
And that's it. That wraps it up. And I'm not going to lie, I've been pretty upset this entire week.
He should have emailed me or gotten in contact with me some other way if his stupid phone was broken. And he has SOME nerve trying to say that in his profile, as though he's the one who was wronged in this situation. And talk about mature? How mature is it to leave a message like that in an online profile? And my message was NOT hateful.
Seriously. So your phone breaks?? There are other ways of communicating. Email? Roommate's phone? ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE WAS PLANNING ON DRIVING 6 HOURS TO VISIT.
So, I guess another one bites the dust.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Wow is really all I can say...I got this from a friend, who knows the guy who sent out the email you'll read below. It's hilarious. Mean, but seemingly well deserved. And hilarious regardless.
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just ! feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great.. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.
I am so sorry.
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".
You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't Fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate.
So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday.Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS.I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never, Brad