Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Wow is really all I can say...

I got this from a friend, who knows the guy who sent out the email you'll read below. It's hilarious. Mean, but seemingly well deserved. And hilarious regardless.

First: Email from Elizabeth to Brad, my friend's friend:

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just ! feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great.. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

And now, his unbelievable and FUNNY response:

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't Fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday.Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS.I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never, Brad

19 Comments:

At 9:32 AM, Blogger A Unique Alias said...

That was absolutely fucking awesome.

Best line: "The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened."

 
At 10:09 AM, Blogger I-66 said...

HOLY...

That rules.

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger Adam said...

wow...she was owned...what a slut.

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger That Girl said...

WOW!!!! That is just unreal!! And my my teaches you one simple lesson "never put anything in writing" you never know where it could end up!!! Too funny!

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger V said...

I want to be clear on this:

She's just his friend, she blew two guys in the bathroom and he's pissed at her? But just at her, he's more than happy to take a shot with the guys she blew?

Is there something I'm missing because he seems like an asshole because 1) who care if someone gets a BJ in the bathroom, I mean it's not my style but it may be fun for others and 2) Why is she's the slut bag that he gets to belittle? Would he say no to a cute girl who wanted to go down on him at a bar...I doubt it.

Sorry to be the contrarian :)

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

V brings up a good point. They weren't bf/gf...I can't tell for sure? If they weren't "together", then it is sort of the same ol' double standard. I am fan of witty retorts and sticking it to the person that wronged you, if she was his girlfriend then she did get what she deserved.

 
At 12:27 PM, Blogger Asian Mistress said...

I got mixed reactions when I sent it out after receiving from you Sara...but I still think it was funny.

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Judging by the e-mails, I'd say that they had to have been dating.

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger Crazy Girl City said...

Damn.

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger Sara said...

They were dating. Sorry for not clarifying that.

I still think it's hilarious

 
At 2:35 PM, Blogger cuff said...

WERE dating. Not anymore, though, huh? I love how he makes sure he tosses that Bridge and Tunnel comment out at her, too.

 
At 3:45 PM, Blogger The Captain said...

Um, why was there ever a doubt as to whether they were dating or not? No sane person would spend this much time blasting a friend they aren't/weren't dating. I don't think that really needed clarification.

Good for him. If you're going to fuck around on someone, be prepared to deal with things like this coming your way. Sure, it may be nasty calling her a slut in front of so many people, but you call a spade a spade, I say. It would apply just the same the other way around.

That being said, thinking back to my single days, man was I ever hanging out in the wrong bars :)

And the sea lion line was a classic.

 
At 8:08 PM, Blogger Tasha said...

Damn...that is funny though. She gets what she deserves.

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger The Committed One said...

Wow - that is priceless!

... any word on a response back?

 
At 6:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sure the girl was stupid but the response by stupid didn't show much class. Theu're both assholes.

 
At 10:59 PM, Blogger chicgirl said...

i hope she doesn't read it here. it could be her demise.

 
At 3:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

From what he says, she came to spend the night with him even though she has a bf in NJ? So let me do the math real quick:

1) She's already has a man in the Jerz

2) She's hooking up with this guy

3)He's surprised when she ends up hooking up with someone else on top of that?!

Total: Uhhhh, don't be so shocked. Plus, if she'd rather be giving head to some other dude in the bathroom than with a the guy at the bar who is buying her drinks, eek, what does that say about how valueable he is. While I'm sure she sorta feels bad about it all, she probably just sent the email for good PR and if those sunglasses she left are as expensive as I bet they are, I'd write an apology email too!!!!

 
At 12:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

They both sound like classless, vapid assholes.

 
At 2:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

they are both part of the local mensa club!

 

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